I read my horoscope today on the way home from the lunch. Drew had left me in his apartment when he went to work. I had stayed in Indiana an extra day to save myself a decent amount of cash. This gave me too much time to think. I watched a movie, took a shower, did some random cleaning, packed my stuff up, chatted with people, and took a walk to lunch. As I looked at the crossword puzzle, I noticed it was basically speaking to me – which is stupid since I know there are thousands/millions of people born on June 19th (making them a Gemini).
The horoscope told me to reassess my issues. Think about all my emotional baggage (it said baggage) and take the leap from where you are to where you want to be. It explained a little more than that, but this is the gist of the message. Just a few days earlier, I had unloaded a ton of random crap that I had dragged around with me for months/years on my buddy from Indiana. It was liberating, and it was probably the scariest thing I had ever done. After a 20 minute conversation, this person know more about me than my parents and other friends combined. I had carried it around for me for so long, I didn’t know how I really felt about anything – my enfeebled uncle, where I’m at in my life, my family in general.My uncle is the wonderful man I wrote about a bit ago. He has finally returned to Peru and will hopefully live his remaining days in comfort and happiness. He was probably the hardest burdens to hold. He was an emotional rollercoaster that called for a strong facade but caused more anguish than anything I had ever experienced. It was like watching my grandfather slip away from us and become a quarter of his former self – requiring our help. As a family, I am proud to say we readily supplied it.
My life currently is something else that I rarely think about. At the moment, I go through the daily motions. I smile, and I joke. I want nothing but happiness for everyone else. At work, though there are periodic lulls, I work myself sick – all with a smile – because my frustrations are purely mine. I don’t think I want to be there though it is a step up from Steve and Barry’s. I am working for the public good, but I’m becoming incredibly weary of the emergencies and the sense of urgency that accompanies everything. All documents are urgent, all meetings must happen now, all work must be completed immediately. When will I find that job I cannot wait to go to? When will I see myself happy at my desk, table, sale floor, auditorium? Hopefully soon. This frustration came through during that conversation. The following day, my buddy had suggested that we open a wine bar in Ithaca, NY – close to Cornell. The idea was pleasant and idealistic. It made me want to quit my job and move on to that something else… I don’t think that’s it, but it seems like a step in the right direction.
My family has been going through some rough times. My parents have decided a divorce is a smart move for them and are currently finalizing those plans. If my mom knew I had written that statement out – she would shit a brick – luckily this isn’t something she has as her home page. I took the news of the divorce better than my sister. She became angry. I remained normal and composed. This drew my parents to speak to me about it – more mother than father. It’s a terrible thing to have to hear about a divorce no one speaks about. I kept this on me – it was my burden to bear with my mother and my father. No one should have to deal with anything like that all alone – though no one should be dragged into the middle… I think I’ll live.
By the end of this weekend, I need a change. I need to move out and on. I am taking this seriously. Things must change – I must move out. I must go back to school. I need to better myself and start to do what JJRC wants. I need to become better connected to myself and treat myself better. Let’s see how long I grapple with this quarter life crisis before either it or I is declared a winner.
JJRC
