You really got to give it to the Republicans

I don’t quite follow politics, but this year it’s a little more interesting.  With the announcement of the Vice Presidential candidates, there’s really quite the air of uncertainty.  Let’s examine from a very superficial perspective.

Barack Obama:

So, once Hillary Clinton gave up her losing bid for the Dem ticket, everyone focused on Mr. Barack Obama, the now Presidential Candidate.  Who will be his vice president?! Hillary? John Edwards? Joe Biden? EVERYONE COVERED THIS!  After hearing about his VP Choices ad nauseam, he chose Joe Biden.  A white haired, older gentleman who looks like Old Washington.  Somehow change comes around by bringing on “experience”. I was kind of hoping for a surprise.  The name Joe Biden had been floating around for quite some time.  The media circus was alive and buzzing about the VP choice, and I recall that one of the major television station was literally camping out in front of each of their houses… watching.  Yikes.  Why keep it a secret if everyone already knew?  On the other hand…

John McCain:

Wow! While the whole world wondered who Barack will choose, McCain decided to pick the most random person ever.  Sarah Palin?  Who?  Turns out she’s a pretty governor from Alaska… the country’s most populous… tundra?  She was a former beauty queen, a whistle blower in Alaska (change!) and she hunts amongst other outdoorsy things.  Brilliantly, John McCain’s choice is untouchable.  No one expected her – no one knows what to say.  Unfortunately, this helps make McCain look older – since he could be her grandfather’s great uncle.

So what do we have here?  We have a huge mess that’s going to confuse everyone.  Who will enact more change?  Barack Obama with same ol’, same ol’ Joe Biden or John McCain with fresh faced Sarah Palin?  It will be quite interesting to see what happens in November.  You can’t play the inexperienced card on Sarah Palin because of Obama’s history with defending his credentials.  You can’t play the old man bit on Joe Biden because of McCain’s issues with that. How are the American people supposed to vote if there is no acceptable smear campaign being run?  As you know – the American people are mainly guided by mean spirited commercials and party values… what are we to do?!

Regardless of the turn out (Republican or Democrat), there will be a change in Washington.  Let’s hope this all works out well – because I would rather not be screwed for the next 4 years…

JJRC

Alcoholism

I remember I was walking down the street with Pat one night. It was a crisp fall Halloween night, and he was dressed as Indiana Jones. I decided I was too old to dress up and look like an ass. I can look like a huge ass without being dressed up (thank you very much). Of course people ask you what you are for Halloween… By the end of the night – I started telling people I was dressed as the Mac from the Mac/PC ads – it provoked an asian girl to dry hump me for a picture. Everyone wins! Anyway, we had met up before the party to grab dinner. We stopped by a diner and he ordered the lobster salad sandwich. From my experiences with eating food, I have learned many things. One of them is if the tables are dirty you do not order fish. Ignoring my polite suggestion, Pat begins to chow down on his sandwich. Mayo and imitation lobster pieces begin to ooze out of the sides of the bread. That very same material would later cause Pat to leave the party early. I feel sorry for whoever had to clean that toilet out once he was done.

We begin to discuss random things – ex-girlfriends, college courses, and things we did on Saturday night (I excluded a “Your Mom” joke there). He then stated that he believed I had a drinking problem in college. I was shocked. Sure, I drank 6 out of the 7 nights of the week, and maybe I wasn’t quite in control those 6 nights of the week… but who was?! In retrospect, I saw myself as he saw me – an irresponsible lush. As I finished my Bud Light, I looked at him in confusion.

JJRC: Wait, you’ve known me 5 years, you’re just telling me now that you thought I had a drinking problem? You should have said something years ago… what if I had a drinking problem?!

Pat: Well, I didn’t want to upset you.

Perhaps he was right – he didn’t want to upset me… he would rather I die a horrible death at the hands of alcoholism. Though I must admit, my behavior during certain points of my college career can be deemed irresponsible and dangerous – I do not believe it ever bordered on alcoholism. I was merely inexperienced and socially stupid. Now that I’ve been a functioning member of society for 2 years running, I can safely say – I do not have a drinking problem or an STD (in case your mind wandered). I pay taxes. I go out from time to time – I don’t regularly embarrass myself under the influence of alcohol anymore – hardly ever these days.

So what have we learned here? Tell your friends when you think they have a drinking problem – because they might actually have a drinking problem.  For all Pat knew, I was waking up in the morning hugging a bottle of Green Apple Smirnoff every morning… that only happened once.

You’re only a good friend if you say something.  If they get hurt (emotionally) – then they need to reconsider their life. If you get hurt (physically), you told them when they were drunk… and deserve it. Long story short – I got wasted at this party we went to… it was not my best moment. I somehow managed to get on the wrong side of the FDR Drive and had to be instructed to get into a taxi to my friend’s place. I also yelled at the cabbie and passed out.  It’s a good thing Pat said something – if not I really would have gotten out of control.

JJRC

 

MTV

Things about MTV that make me fear for the human race:

1 – The Hills/Laguna Beach:  Is this real?  I haven’t quite figured it out yet, but my friend’s mother made an appearance on Laguna Beach in her bathrobe… it’s the only reason I am fighting with myself on how real it is.  Why would Mrs. Green appear on LB in a bathrobe?! If I was a stuck up 16 year old girl with a camera crew following me around to document my whoring and pseudo-drama, I would definitely force my mother to at least put on pants!

2 – The “Real” World: If people in the real world looked like people form the Real World, the world would be a much prettier place.  Where the hell are the real people?  I was watching an old clip show of Real World Los Angeles today, and man, those people looked normal.  They weren’t especially attractive (then again it was the 90’s and normal people didn’t look exceptionally good), but now they pack in the babes with eating disorders/bipolar disorder/family trauma/unbridled libidos/drinking problems.  No one’s life really resembles that… scratch that – most people’s lives don’t resemble that.

3 – A Shot of Love with Tela Tequila: This one was pretty original – a bisexual dating show where everyone sleeps in the same bed!  I bet there’s a special place in hell for the creator of that show.  Hot 20 somethings… what to do with them… should we have them build houses for the homeless?  No, we should have them pine over a media whore.

4 – The Movie Awards: Why did MTV even go there.  What genius thought that having a music channel present people with awards for something they never really deal in was a good idea?  But yet, it makes sense.  This was during the war on drugs – the MTV executives obviously lost that war.

5 – My Super Sweet 16: It exemplifies everything wrong with rich American children.  If I had a hundred million dollars and 2 children – they would be unaware of how much money I had and drive a fucked up Geo.  Yea, they don’t even make Geos any more.  They want a Benz? Well, when they worked as hard as I did/scratched enough lotto tickets to earn their money – they can get one.

6 – Carson Daly: Yea, I’m very aware he’s no longer on MTV, but MTV caused him to be on TV.  I am also very aware he’s on super late at night – when people who don’t have problems/day shifts are sleeping, but there’s no hour late enough for Carson Daly to show his face on TV – Ever.  Also, who dunked him in orange food coloring?  He needs to give up the tanning in about 10 years ago.

JJRC

It’s the little things in life…

Once again, I find myself with a slowing down of emails.  I decide that this is not an appropriate use of my time.  I fish through my drawers looking for that little piece of paper I had received during lunch.  I didn’t really give it much mind, but it had a very important inter-business memo.  It wouldnt’ be a huge deal if I had lost it… but I wanted to know. Eureka (bell rings)!  I had dumped that little piece of paper into the slot in my drawer organizer regularly reserved for coins and lint.  I look at the piece with joy, and I flip it over.

The Memo reads:

Instant Win!  You’ve won 1 cookie.

I love it when memos from Subway say something other than, “Instant Win.  Not an Instant Winner.”  Perhaps they should manufacture two different types of paper.  One that says “Please Try Again.  Not an Instant Winner” and “Instant Win! You’ve Won (ur..) 3 sponges(???)!”  I should know immediately that I’m a loser… at this game.  I feel it doesn’t need to tell me if I’m a loser at life – that is a completely different game entirely.   But, why must I get my hopes up with the words, “Instant Win” if they are followed by a painful truth that this was not an instant win.

It’s cruel and mean.  I wish Subway would stop being so lazy and cheap…

JJRC

The power of the whip

My day usually wraps up slowly. Emails being to slow to a snails pace – barely a resemblance to the email quantity I was receiving earlier in the day. . It was as if there was a dam built up the cybernetic stream – holding back emails until tomorrow’s flooding. I began to surf the web, and I decided I needed to check my friend’s tumblelog.

It is a collection of the internet’s most amusing corners. Today, there was a post involving monkeys and figure skating. As I sat back and watched these monkeys perform things I could only dream of doing, I began to think about how exactly they were trained to do that…:

JJRC: I wonder how you train a monkey to do that instead of flinging its own poo – which probably more fun for the monkey


Ivan: haha, beatings.


JJRC: true – tortured animals do amazing things

This is most likely the case. That poor monkey would rather be flinging feces at another monkey in a rainforest somewhere than being placed in a hideous sweater and forced to skate around with a foot over its head. Of course, this revelation had a domino affect. Doese this mean those dolphins I saw at Six Flags didn’t want to splash me with water as I watched it do tricks for fish?!

Sadly enough, probably not. I’m sure you couldn’t convince me to a confined life if you served me my favorite dish every day… First of all, I would probably become a helpless land monster – tipping the scales at ungodly numbers. Secondly, I would get tired of it… that and people banging on my cage to get their attention. Sigh, the skating monkey ruined my life…. I wish I had more work to do so I wouldn’t mess myself up like that.

JJRC

Woe to the future…

Lunch is pretty much my favorite part of the work day.  Not only do we get delicious food (or at the very least edible food), but we also get to speak to each other.  We get to know each other.  We were having a lunch discussion regarding our childhood experiences.  We discussed glo-worms, cartoons we would watch, games we would play, and then Natasha mentioned something rather odd.

N:  Has anyone seen the new My Little Pony type horse dolls? 

JJRC: Why no Natasha, we don’t quite know what you’re talking about.  What does it look like?

N: Prepare yourselves for this.  So, it’s sort of a horse.  It has a long flowing mane (so far pretty normal), but it’s wearing this crazy make-up (umm…), and it’s wearing some kind of high heel shoes (ah…?).  Here’s the worst part, this creature that looks like a horse has cleavage (WHAT!?)

When I was little kid and my sister was crazy for My Little Ponies, these things didn’t come equipped with breasts.  The only things feminine about them was their flowing hair and the color of their hide.  The stars and sparkles probably didn’t hurt.  I guess I should have been so shocked this centaur type woman/horse creature exists. The Bratz Babies are pretty much the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen.  As a society, we’re slowly training an army of young girls to become over-sexed sluts.

See video for an example of the Bratz Babies:

Yikes… I guess 21 is the new 50 – being a over sexualized baby is in.  Considering they can’t bathe themselves – they certainly know the most provocative way to dry themselves.  As the the theme song progresses, I became more and more disturbed.  After they danced around naked – they needed a computer to tell them what outfit was the sexiest… Once the computer is done teaching these little babies loose morals, the parents come out of nowhere.  Who needs parents when you’re hot! They are put into the car with their purses.  Here they call their friends because 1- these little freaks are privileged 2 – they have a lot to talk about.  I’m sure they discuss fantasticaly interesting things – like how often they crap themselves and what lip-gloss is the most “poppin’.”

They only reason this is on the air is because parents who don’t care let their kids watch this.  My parents would probably not have it.  They took issue with He-Man’s little pink vest and manly bob haircut, but that only had homoerotic undertones.  There is nothing subtle about the Bratz Babies.  I weep for the future.  

JJRC

Old Age

I woke up from my Sunday nap around 7 PM.  I decided to get up and purchase some toiletries from Duane Reade… I was starting to run dangerously low on some essentials.  I walked calmly around the store.  I hummed songs to myself as I looked for specific Old Spice deodorant I had been using for some months.  I walked over to check-out.  The line was pleasantly short… but I stood behind this tiny white haired woman. I didn’t think much of it, but then I started to examine her, and then I knew… this would be trouble. Her blue sweatpants rode high on her waist.  Her earrings were similar – but definitely not the same.  She slowly made her way to the counter.   She placed her bottle of soap before the cashier and smiled politely.  The cashier stated that this would cost $4.28.  The little old lady looked down at her wallet and rummaged for a bit.  She pulled out a crisp $20.  She paused for a second and said the following dreadful words, “Oh… hold on a second sweety.  I have exact change.”  EXACT CHANGE FOR $.72?!

The bottles of soda, body wash, and shaving cream along with the Sun Chips and deodorant I carried instantly became heavier.  I felt the soda sweat against my polo – I should have gone with the unrefrigerated soda.  Stupid me! The sweet little old lady began to dive for change in her comically oversized change purse.  ”Here’s a penny… this is a dime… and a quarter…. oh my – I’ve lost count.  Hold on a second sweety.”  I began to hold back tears of frustration.  The thought of shoving this small woman out of the way and counting her change for her rushed through my head.  I shoved her again and again in my brain… by the time I had decided to do it, the cashier was giving this sweet little old (who turned around and smiled at me as she slowly made it out of the store) her $15 change.

When does someone become a sweet/curmudgeony old person?  I’m 24 now, and I show no signs of moving in that direction.  My clothing is not out rightly out of style… just boring.  How long will I have to live before I begin to firmly plant my waistband inches under my armpits and stop caring about how my hair looks.  When will that crazy ear hair grow in?  I hope i have the decency to get that trimmed… When will I get my first pair of old man loafers and big grandpa glasses?!  Will it be slow and steady or sudden?  I don’t even want to think about what starts to happen to my boys down below!  This is starting to scare me a little… I hope its gradual so that I don’t wake up and scare myself when I wake with grey and wrinkly everything.

This isn’t something people regularly think about.  I know I never sit around musing about what kind of train wreck I will be when I’m approaching 75.  There are so many questions I can’t answer – but I do know this.  Until the day comes when I cough up grossness into a handkerchief that I’ll politely fold up and put back into the breast pocket of my shirt, I don’t think I’ll have to worry about it.  

JJRC

Olympics!

China’s time to shine on the world stage!  So far, these Olympic Games have been quite the media event.  Not even the pending nuclear holocaust from Russian aggressions against Georgia can bump them from the front page of the NYTimes.  Nuclear holocaust is sooooooooo Cold War – Michael Phelps is the new and the now!

A couple of friends sat down and watched the opening ceremonies – after feasting on food purchased at Whole Foods.  We watched and thought those footprints looked a little too perfect for not being digitally modified – not that we really cared – the effect was fantastic.  Then we saw that cute little girl sing “Ode to the Motherland.”  We commented on how no one could really see her in the stadium – because it’s huge and she’s tiny.  Apparently, this little girl wasn’t lip-synching to her own voice… though we gotta hand it to her – she put on one hell of a show.  If I was nine and strapped to a harness and told to pretend I was singing while being hoisted in the air by strings for a billion people to watch me – you would have most likely have seen a little trickle of pee mid-performance - but none of that with this cute young girl!  She fake belted that song like the true diva she wants to be.  

The final thing I distinctly remember of the opening ceremony was the super long course taken when lighting the torch.  Everyone was involved in this portion.  For a second, I thought they were going to hand the torch to everyone in the stadium and have them slowly (oh so slowly) trot around the track with it.  Eventually, the torch gets to an adorable and plump looking older gentleman – he then levitates off the platform and high above the stadium.  Then, he stops and all of a sudden – one side drops (bam!). I though, “Umm wasn’t this performed this morning in China? Why wouldn’t they edit this man’s untimely death out of the ceremonies?!”   No! My stupid American brain didn’t see the big picture, he began to pretend he was running along the wall of the upper tier of the stadium – and ultimately lighting the torch – fireworks exploded and I went to bed.

The games are currently underway, and the events I’ve managed to see are pretty fantastic.  

Here are some thoughts:

1. Phelps is amazing the world and making the world forget how obnoxious Americans are when they tour foreign countries.
2. That poor Hungarian man really got his arm messed up when he was weightlifting.  My elbow almost popped out just watching that!
3. Steeplechase is pretty interesting, but seriously – there should be more obstacles.  Perhaps they should consider adding flames somewhere to really spice it up.
4. The announcers and reporters are terrible.  Reporters have a knack for making the athletes cry – they’re worse than Oprah.  The announcers have a real knack for making awkward comments.  For example, the announcers during the gymnastics piece wouldn’t shut up about how the Indian-American gymnast for the US Men’s was only there because one of the Ham brothers messed himself up (also pointing out that he was not the best in that event).  Way to drive the point home, announcers.
5. I’ve learned you can get a medal stripped from your for disrespecting – case in point – the wrestler from Sweden who was stripped of his Bronze medal for throwing it in frustration for not achieving a higher rank. If they wish to give me a bronze medal, I would be more than happy to make a space for it at my cubicle at work.

The Olympics are fantastic!  Nations compete and beat the crap out of their athlete to win global prestige.  I can’t wait until the Olympics are somewhere where I can realistically attend them.  Beijing is nice and all, but seriously, I don’t think I have the fortitude or the grasp of Chinese (any chinese really) to make it there and back in one piece.  Here’s to 2016 being in Chicago, IL!

JJRC

Inspiration Come to me

I have absolutely nothing to tell you people. Really.  I’ve been sitting here for the passed 15 minutes thinking – I’ll write about my travels…. I’ll write about my co-worker’s quitting… I’ll write about how I quit my first job… no….  I’ll write about my inability to decide what to write.

My job has recently started a blog as three coworkers tour across America.  It made me think – why doesn’t this blog serve any purpose?!  As I slowly (very slowly) approach the second anniversary of “And then there was Blog… and it was decent,” I don’t know what to think or how to describe it. I don’t even tell people about this thing – though if they googled several things about me, this blog would come up quickly – easily exposing me for who I am… a secret blogger.  It doesn’t even matter if everyone (Even my local pastor) found out about this silly thing – my 15 minutes of fame on the web – visited nearly 20,000 times.  I wonder how many minds I’ve corrupted due to my foul language.

I need to think about a very sustainable manner of adding to this thing.  Random thoughts just isn’t cutting it anymore… shit, am I growing up?  I desire structure – that can’t be a good thing… or is it a great thing and do I only think that because I’ve suddenly realized I’m a 20 something.   

Here are the directions I’ll consider moving:

Listing-Blog – people love lists and information provided in a list – who cares if it comes from a loser who doesn’t know any better than the rest of you.  Hell this is a list – right?

Photo-Blog – this would be incredibly ambitious…. this would require me to actually sit around and photograph things that I would comment on… This would also be the most creative since I would need to weave pictures together to make a story… or at least a cohesive post.  It sounds like a good hobby actually – God knows I have a shitload of pictures just dying to be seen by the world.

Video-Blog – Yikes – you’d have to actually see me and even worse – you’d have to listen to me bitch.  I would hope your friends will do this better than I could.

Critic’s-Blog – Yes, I can make myself feel better about my existence by blogging about how much other stuff rocks/sucks.  This will be different form the list blog because I’ll only yak yak yak about one topic that doesn’t involve personal anecdotes at all.  I’d be taking me out of the blog completely.

News-Blog – I can dump my two cents on random things that happen in the world of media – this doesn’t necessarily need to be a blog about real news… it can be about my favorite pop stars that have decided they want to self-destruct in front of the entire nation (Think Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan).

Hmm – I think I’ve just given myself four assignments…  I’ll have to try each of these out (maybe even the video blog).  I think next week, I’ll begin with the critic’s blog – I’ll harpoon something and see how good I am at it.  Hell, maybe I’ll keep a rotating cycle of these things and drop the stupid ones.

JJRC