I’m Just a Boy?

Abstract:

So, I’m getting some mixed messages from Beyonce.  For some time, Beyonce has been the epitome of a strong, independent black woman, but now she’s confused me a little.  Let us examine Beyonce’s lyrics and find out what the hell she’s talking about.

On Feminism:

Yes, women are strong and independent and blah blah, but if we men want to keep them around – we should put a ring on it.  I would think this is similar to marking our territory with gold.  Didn’t women have come a long way from wanting their existence to be affirmed by a wedding band/engagement ring?  Not for Beyonce.  She already nabbed herself a man, and she feels the need to tell your man to put a ring on it about 20 times during that song. I suppose she’s just trying to jumpstart the economy with spontaneous marriages.

The video is quite interesting, as she dances around in a one piece leotard thing, she’s singing about how she is now flirting wildly because her other man had his chance.  She’s now on the prowl for another cat who’ll give her what she wants/needs – a wedding ring.

On Men:

Apparently women are better than men when it comes to understanding men and woman.  Beyonce has got the majority of us pegged.  As “boys”, we all do the following:

• We roll out of bed and put on what we want and go drink beer with the guys
• Hang out with who want and never really have to answer to anyone about it because they have our back (?)
• Turn off our phones so no one knows we’re sluttily sleeping around.
• Forbid our women to sleep around.
• We can’t be better than Beyonce at being men – because we’re just boys.

Ah, thanks Beyonce!  According to this song and the person who belts it out, we’re all alcoholic whores…  apparently Beyonce is the best man for all women.  So the next time I find myself leaving my girlfriend’s place to sleep with a co-worker/bartender/hoochie, I should check myself and think – if Beyonce were a boy, would she do this?  The answer is no – she can be a better man and so can I damn it.

Conclusion:

So, what have we learned here?  I don’t quite know.  Be consistent?  At the very least, I guess.  Beyonce not only wants us to be as good a man as she would be (because being men is super easy), but she also wants us to give her a ring to show her true value to the world… that sounds a bit wrong.

But, I’m just a boy.

JJRC

It’s beginning to look a lot like… Date Rape?

Today, I arrived to the office early.  It was really a first for me this month.  I arrived ten minutes to nine.  No one else had arrived to the office.  In a group of over-achieving hard-workers, this was unheard of.  The second arrival to the office was at around 9:15.  What did I do for twenty-five minutes all alone?  I opened up Pandora and set up a Christmas Carol playlist.

I heard so many songs.  It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, Rudolph, Frosty, I’ll be home for Christmas, and so many others.  I then started listening to them.  None of them questionable until you dissect Baby, it’s cold outside.  Upon closer inspection, the song stops being about a young man courting a young lady.  It transforms into a song about someone attempting to kidnap a woman and have his way with her after he repeated rejections.  The administrative assistant was under the impression that she wanted it.  She’s being coy and playful.  No, she’s being polite and attempting to escape. 

Here are some choice lyrics:

1. “I really can’t stay - but baby it’s cold outside”
   (I have to go/ Not until I get what I want) 
2. “But maybe just a half a drink more-put some records on while i pour”
   (Fine, I’ll have a drink/Umm, please distract yourself while I pour you this drug spiked drink) 
3. “Say, what’s in this drink - No cabs to be had out there”
   (I’m dumb and didn’t suspect he’d spike this/I’m positive she won’t make it to the curb before the roofie kicks in)
4. “I ought to say no, no, no, sir – Mind if I move a little closer ”
   (I ought to – and will – say no/I will ignore your stupid requests and force myself on you)
5. “My sister will be suspicious – Man, your lips look so delicious” 
   (Umm, my family is going to worry/Let’s make out, dude)
6.  ”I really can’t stay  - Get over that hold out”
   (I really can’t stay/Stop saying that)

Ah, that’s really nice.  When my parents tell me how they met.  I want it to go like this.

JJRC

Ubiquitous Santa Post

As I prepared for work at 7AM, I switched on the radio and tuned to Z100.  Here’s my thought process on that.  Since I’ll be at work for about 10 hours (commute included), I should really allow myself a brain vacation before heading out.  Z100’s morning show does just that – it’s my conversations with friends mirrored on the radio for millions to tune into.

They were discussing Santa Claus.  I don’t quite remember when I stopped believing in Santa Claus, but I know I wasn’t afraid of him.  I wasn’t really afraid of many things as a young boy.  One of the DJ’s daughter is apparently terrified of him – so as a good skit, they send her father into their house at about 7:30 AM to terrify her for the benefit of millions of callous New Yorkers.  That poor little girl wailed as some of the other hosts laughed and others protested.

It really made me think – why is this character endearing?  Let’s dissect the situation.   I mean – besides that fact that he lives with elves, climbs down trees, and stalks all the children of the world…. there’s more to him that’s really creepy.

Santa Claus:

• Always wears red pajamas everywhere… Also, who uses suspenders anymore? Get with it Santa.
• Has a wife who is frequently depicted as a hussy
• Gets paid in cookies and other sweets and drinks milk (at that age you really should lay off the milk)
• Has literally pushed all kinds of products (including cigarettes and carbonated poison that can clean a penny in a matter of hours with no scrubbing)
• Makes children sit on his lap
• knows everyone’s name, but at the mall, they haven’t come up with a creative way of getting that name out. (What do you want for Christmas Little Boy whose name I know but do not wish to say because in reality I am not real?)
• Uses the word naughty when referring to children… (I know this one isn’t terrible, but c’mon – that word will most likely be completely negative (like the word smut) in about 50 years.)
• Begs for money and rings a little bell 
• Literally screams “ho, ho, ho” (Is he laughing?! WTF is that?  What causes him to “ho, ho, ho” all the time – esp before he says Merry Christmas)
• Didn’t accept Rudolph with his red nose before he found a purpose for him (Elitist bastard)
• Banishes misfit toys for being unsuitable (What lesson does that teach the kids?)
• Has a red nose frequently – even indoors (I’m sure that coke he’s doing isn’t extra fine – that’s all)

I’m sure when Coca-Cola made him into a US Sensation, they had no intention of making him this creepy.  Let’s hope the Coca Cola Polar Bears remain cute and endearing for years to come. 

JJRC