She wore blue velvet – as they humped on the floor

As I hopped onto the subway this yesterday, I decided I wanted to watch a movie on my iPod.  For some months now, I am resolved to finish watching Blue Velvet.  I had seen the first 20 minutes and deemed it a waste of my time, but a friend of mine convinced me I should  see it.  I gave it another shot.

I have watched mini-installments of the movie.  Last night, I left off with Dorothy Valens returning from her show in a seedy Las Vegas circa 1980’s lounge called the Slow Club… After her stirring rendition of Blue Velvet that put me to sleep, our hero, Jeff something, begins to snoop around her apartment.  He’s too busy flushing a toilet to hear the honking of the car below.  That is the signal to get out because Valens is climbing 7 flights of stairs.

As it happens – our fearless Jeff quickly runs into a closet.

Of course, I had to turn this off to get off at my stop.

This morning, I turn the movie back on. Ah yes, he’s still in the closet.  As Valens begins to undress, I begin to get a little uncomfortable, but she quickly puts on a bathrobe to cover her shame – my feelings neutralize. 

But, she discovers the kid in the closet.  WHAT WILL SHE DO TO HIM?!

Logically she forces him to strip to make him feel her shame… logically she also begins to give him head.  Meanwhile, let’s zoom back into my world.  I’m in a crowded subway train hoping this scene ends so that I can return to not looking like a porn addict., but no, the scene only gets worse.  She proceeds to rape him at knife point.  They’re on a couch humping and she’s keeping a knife to his neck.  I press fast forward until they stop.

Luckily they’re interrupted, and Jeff runs back into the closet. 

Another man enters – but he turns out to be another gigantic freak.  He gets drunk and gets high off some canned of air and starts calling Valens mama.  He also proceeds to cram her velvet bathrobe into her mouth, and they roll around on the floor in what appears to be an act of sexual deviance.  I don’t quite know what the exchange was about because I decided it was time for the fast forward button again.

When the man leaves, I press play and she says this:

Valens:  Jeff, come hold me (he’s still in his underwear. he holds her and they sort of kiss weirdly).  Do you see my breast? (He nods)

At that point I just turn it off and begin playing snake…  So, I’ve learned a valuable lesson here.  Make sure you know exactly what you’re watching before you hope on a voyage.  It could save you some time and embarrassment.  I could have been playing snake that whole time.

JJRC

I had a very odd dream

I recently recieved my university Alumni Magazine, and I read some of it.  I always enjoy reading the updates in the back from students of classes I would know.  Of course, there was an update from a kid named Mitt.  Mitt was the year ahead of me and always offers an update. It’s usually nothing exciting, and yet it takes up a whole two paragraphs.

I put the magazine down, and I got to sleep.

Suddenly, I was in Ithaca, NY.  It was New Year’s 2009 (yes, I time traveled).  I was in a house that happened to be across the street from Dino’s and the Nine’s.  My co-workers were there along with my fraternity brothers. They were mingling.  I understood the house to be mine.

As they’re all talking, I see a girl that I do not know.  I walked over to her and started light conversation.  She was shorter than I am and had unkempt strawberry blonde hair.  Her voice was quiet and pleasant, but she wasn’t exactly pretty… or cute.  I ask her if she wanted to eat something.  This is where things got weird.

She stated that she would like to eat something, but that nothing at this party was edible to her.  I asked her why.  She explains.  It turns out that she is a magical creature who was transformed into a woman by an evil witch.  She had initially been a male tiger in the jungles of upstate New York (seriously, the things my mind comes up with).  She could only eat raw meat or things she hunts herself… and she has male genitalia.  She decided that was important to say (Why not? Probably important if she thought we were going to hump).

So, being the gracious host, I opted to go buy some quartered chickens from Jason’s.  As I return to my house, I see Mitt talking to She-Tiger Man.  I pull him away gracefully.

JJRC: Umm Mitt, has she told you about why she’s different?
Mitt: Yes.  It’s great because now I can get the best of both worlds.  No one has to know.
JJRC: … ::shudder::

I go upstairs where I find my boss.  They’re all holding champagne glasses.  Midnight was about to strike.

I wake up…

Seriously?  Why can’t I dream about normal things – not transgendered tiger creatures who seduce my friends.

JJRC

My New Year’s Resolutions

1 – Go Running:

I feel one of these days I will be attacked by a violent and unstoppable axe murderer… What is one to do?  Become just as unstoppable.  According to the movies, this freak will move around from 4-6 miles per hour.  I should move a little faster than that to account for the distance of his axe.

2 – Look better:

For some reason, I don’t shave regularly.  It’s not because it’s hard to do – it’s much harder to shave once every 4 weeks than it is to shave once every 3 days.  Why?  Beats me – I’m a moron.  So, I will begin to do that every three days.  I will also iron my clothing on a somewhat daily basis… people at work need to be aware that I’m not homeless and that I do not keep my clothing in a garbage bin outside.

3 – Drink less:

2009 will be the year I say “Oh, I remember that” as opposed to “Umm, so remind me how I set fire to your pillow while using a bathroom.”  I’m going to be 25 this year, I need to start falling into the ranks of the normal 20 somethings who do not have drinking problems…. do those people exist?  God, the better.  I hope I don’t have to become a Mormon to find them.  Perhaps I’ll drink this ambition away.

4 – Swear in Moderation:

Though fuck is the most applicable word in a variety of situations (possibly all – excluding PTA meetings and eulogies), I will have to put it down for a bit.   Fuck this, Fuck that.  It’s not something an educated man should be yelling obscenities because he messed… up?  Sounds so stupid without the expletive…

5 – Care Less:

It is possible for me to be more apathetic about stuff.  I should most definitely care less about what people say/think/believe and be happier for it. 

For example:

Clerk: “You shouldn’t wear that pink tutu… it was made for a 10 year old girl.”
JJRC: “I don’t quite care what you think.  You are stifling my liberty, sir.”

Hopefully 2009 is the year I become a man who can run a shitload, look not homeless while doing it sober and without much swearing in a pink leotard made for a 12 year old girl….

Chances are by 2010 – I won’t be – but it is nice to dream.

JJRC