Indiana

Ahoy Ahoy. Currently, I am in the beautiful state of Indiana. It’s quite flat here. The only things to drink are pop, water and beer – and every restaurant allows you to drink like a fish. In all honesty, I have not had this much to drink since my days in college, and it really takes me back. It makes me realize that I am getting old, but I’m not that old. The following things have happened in Indiana;

1 – I have had amazing cajun food from this place called Yats… Indianapolis has great food. I could live in that restaurant and die there if someone let me. Amazing.

2 – I’ve started drinking at 2pm on Friday and finished drinking at 3am. It’s a permanent Slope Day out here. You can’t do anything sober – I think it’s illegal.

3 – With Indiana, I have puked in 4 States due to drinking too much – they are New York, Massachusetts, and New Jersey. Last night I was at a kegger (yea a fucking kegger) and drank myself blind. I don’t remember leaving the house we were at. I remember breathing heavy in the car (if you ever hear me do this, it’s honestly terrifying and a strong indicator that my stomach will evacuate in ten, nine…). I braced myself by a tree and bam.

4 – Macbooks are great. I have never known the pleasures of a laptop or an Apple computer. Now I know both! I bought a macbook last week and honestly -it’s an amazing thing. His name is Greg and he has been entertaining the shit out of me for the past couple of days before my host wakes up.

5 – Flight Attendants and Airport people think I’m under the age of 21. When they ask for my ID – they smirk and then their eyes open wide when they see 1984 as my birth year.

6 – Flash photography is discourage on planes – especially when the lights are off. I wasn’t aware the flash was on – and then everyone was aware the flash was on….

7 – I had a girl call me New York, and I would call her Indy. She was married and was very adamant that we are a Christian Nation and that God belongs in the pledge of allegiance – no questions about it…. none at all.

8 – I was expecting people to be drastically different – oddly enough – everyone is the same as back east – and they love their God.

9 – Finding out what you did the night before is incredibly painful.

10 – Cougars should be avoided.

JJRC

Getting to the Airport – Part 2 of 3

Luckily for my father and my sister- the passport was not expired.  My father snatches it out of her hands tells her to be quiet and not speak about things she does not know.  This led to a fantastic atmosphere of silence in the van.  Of course the car was too small so we sat on, next to and under our luggage (oh happy days),

Upon arriving to the airport, we must appear like some sort of circus show.  We climb out, and along with us every single thing a person would need to live.  My father drags out a huge long box.

Sister: What the fuck is that?
Me: I have no idea… you ask him.  I don’t really care to find out.
Sister: Papa – Que’s eso?
Papa: Crutches for that poor kid on the block in Peru!
Sister: They aren’t letting you go in with that – what are you crazy?!
Papa: Shut up! Watch me!

Off he stormed to the luggage counter where he was pointed to that stupid wrapping station.  The gentlemen kindly told him – there was no way to wrap that and have it go as luggage – it was impossible.  My father comes back defeated – but my half sister was not having this… No, No – no one beats JFRB!

Papa – they took them….
Sister – See!
Half Sister – but how am I going to walk – I need my crutches!
Everyone – What?!

The counter lady comes over and asks us what the matter is, 

Half Sister: I need my crutches – if not I can’t walk.
Attendant: Oh how terrible!  Bring her the crutches.  (My sister turns around and smiles at her victory) AND A WHEEL CHAIR – This woman needs a wheelchair.

No sooner had the attendant said that – a large black man comes up to my half sister from behind and says “SIT.”  She does obediently – her victory has turned to embarrassment and shame.  The man places the crutches on the chair and pushes her to the far end of the corridor.
Sister: What about her check-in?
Attendant: She’s disabled – you guys can do it for her!
Sister and Me: umm… great….

From the sidelines my half sister watched me and my sister throw heavy luggage onto the massive scales.  She would smile and wave to us… we would think, “That bitch.”  My father joined her.  We thought, “That asshole.”  Ultimately we finished and were walking to the boarding area – where the 6am plane waited on the runway with us on it until 10am to depart.

Mumbai – What a place!

I departed from New York City on a pretty day in the middle of May.  Go figure they send me away when the weather is getting nice.  The sun was out, and the air was feeling cleaner than usual.  I landed in Mumbai in the following afternoon – technically it was Saturday Morning – NYC Time.  The airport there was much warmer than JFK – I preferred JFK to Mumbai’s international airport for not only that reason.  The lines were in disarray and people’s luggage was everywhere.  Those were only the first differences I noticed once getting off the plane.

The People:

The population of Mumbai is different from the New York and even the Peruvian population in several ways.  First is personal hygiene.  It’s not to say that hygiene is of the utmost importance everywhere in the world, but here it is lacking in every which way.  If the office were not air conditioned – I would probably have to leave the country.  Luckily the air conditioning keeps foul odors down to a minimum.  Also, the office planning has banished me to the farthest region of the office space.  I have no neighbors which is a blessing and a curse.

Also, the people in India have this very odd mannerism.  They bobble their heads from side to side. This simple gesture means absolutely nothing, but it is infuriating.  You could be speaking to anyone and their head starts to bobble.  Does this mean you’re ignoring me?  Do I bore you?  Are you in pain!?  Tell me what it means!!

I have no idea.   My computer stopped working, and I called IT.  This woman came by and looked at the computer for a hot minute – made two quick adjustments and then looked at me, smiled.  I smiled back and she proceeded bobbled her head.  Do you think you’re better than me, woman?!?! If she wasn’t a woman, and if we weren’t at work – I would have socked her in the face.

The Food:

The food is amazing!  Well spiced and delicious – unlike the bland garbage white people call “fine dining”.

The Transportation:

The cabs are the scariest things I’ve ever hopped on in my life.  I thought New York cabbies were crazy muthafukas.  No.  These muthafukas take the cake and blow it out of the water.  Though there is so much traffic that speeding is difficult, these gentlemen find a way.  They don’t speak English so, “Umm could you please slow down and not scare me like that.” does not work.  They weave in and out of traffic.  They tempt fate to kill them as they drive towards on-coming buses with you in the backseat. 

Thus, the bus driver that is hired by the company to get us home is by far the craziest SOB Mumbai has to offer.  He’s not well rested because he’s usually sleeping before someone taps on the glass to get him up.  This morning he was slumped over the wheel just waiting to go.  Once that tap came on the glass – he popped up like soldier and sped off into the night.  The men there with me were more than used to him sleeping.

Tonight he hit a moving cab and kept going.  Since I’m the last one to get off – he always eyes me and grunts when he sees I’m not leaving the bus.  He backs into traffic and peels out.  Periodically his bus stalls out in the middle of the road, but he’s a real man – so without stopping the bus completely – he revs the engine and makes it cry.  Meanwhile we’re coasting into a busy intersection.  Red light?  That’s something they put up to make you think you need to stop.  He just keeps going.  He gets me home every night – hopefully that keeps happening.  I don’t think my company, family and friends would be too pleased to find out I was killed on a business trip where I was outsourcing most of my responsibilities.

JJRC

Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the… Poor Acting?

Transatlantic travel is probably one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced.  Not only do you lose a better half of your day, you are sitting for most of it.  Luckily Emirates offers fantastic accommodations to keep even the most suicidal passengers from killing themselves with the plastic spoons.  The first 12 hour plane ride could have been fantastic.  Emirate offers fantastic service.  In one flight, it has become my favorite airline. 

It would have been great – but sadly God was not smiling on me when I checked-in.  He had assigned me to seat 27 J.  It was the middle seat between the window and the aisle.  I was sitting next to a chatty Cathy (he shut up once I started giving him the “that is interesting, but please you need to shut up” look) and some large man.   Now, I’m not the smallest man by any means.  But this guy… oh good Lord.  He was not only spilling into the aisle… he was spilling onto my leg.  It was uncomfortable because then he started to get sweaty.  I would ultimately have to shift into Cathy’s space, and I prayed that would not get him started again.  Every time a cart rode by on the plane, it would hit him hard, and the flight attendants would apologize.  I am sure they were secretly laughing at him when they went to their Flight Attendants’ No (wo)man’s land.

I passed the time watching a variety of movies.  The Illusionist was fantastic, and it really made you think.   The worst movie I saw was The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe.  I thought this movie had some great potential… the key term in that sentence was had.  You see children; I read the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe when I was a child.  What better way to learn about sacrificial lamb analogies than Aslan resurrecting.  Oh, C.S. Lewis, you are a sly one.  Somehow, these people over at whatever company mad that crap managed to throw a fork into the works. In one scene – the littlest girl actually falls down for no reason – I had to rewind the movie to see it again.  Great editing.   It was actually pretty funny because the next seen – she’s up!  What a little trooper.

The actors were terrible – which is upsetting because there is a wealth of talented child starts floating out there.  Look at Dakota Fanning – annoying, true, but she is very talented.  By talented I mean she is very good at portraying precocious children who use big words and will not shut up.  This is especially true when they are speaking to their adult co-stars.  For some reason precocious movie children are usually better adjusted and more intelligent than their adult guardians are. These kids did not have that going for them.  I was very aware that there was a script. 

What bugged me the most was actually that little girl.  What was Dakota Fanning doing that they couldn’t get her to play Lucy?  Probably making smash hits like Uptown Girls.  Regardless this girl really did enjoy crying, but it was not very believable.  It looked like they had hit her mother in the face to make her do that.  The agony she portrayed was intense, but never really appropriate for the scene.  The way you cry when your favorite pet lion dies is not the same crying you do when your mother tells you you’re adopted (trust me – they both hurt, but in different ways).  She cried when no one believed her about Narnia, when her friend the fawn was kidnapped, when Aslan died, when she saw her fawn friend made of stone… it all looked the same.  There was nothing subtle about it.  The emotion was painful to the point of looking torturous.  I am no thespian, but isn’t there theory involved in acting?  If so, sign that bitch up for some lessons.

I actually made the trip a little more bearable by thinking of ways to hate on that movie.  I watched it intensely to see how that little girl managed to make me aware that she was on set somewhere.  If she was good, I would have been in Narnia with her not with some sweaty man making my thigh uncomfortably warm and a little moist. 

JJRC

P.S. Dakota Fanning is annoying through the roles she chooses.  I’m sure if she played a less annoying characters periodically – my opinion of her will change.