Ubiquitous Santa Post

As I prepared for work at 7AM, I switched on the radio and tuned to Z100.  Here’s my thought process on that.  Since I’ll be at work for about 10 hours (commute included), I should really allow myself a brain vacation before heading out.  Z100’s morning show does just that – it’s my conversations with friends mirrored on the radio for millions to tune into.

They were discussing Santa Claus.  I don’t quite remember when I stopped believing in Santa Claus, but I know I wasn’t afraid of him.  I wasn’t really afraid of many things as a young boy.  One of the DJ’s daughter is apparently terrified of him – so as a good skit, they send her father into their house at about 7:30 AM to terrify her for the benefit of millions of callous New Yorkers.  That poor little girl wailed as some of the other hosts laughed and others protested.

It really made me think – why is this character endearing?  Let’s dissect the situation.   I mean – besides that fact that he lives with elves, climbs down trees, and stalks all the children of the world…. there’s more to him that’s really creepy.

Santa Claus:

• Always wears red pajamas everywhere… Also, who uses suspenders anymore? Get with it Santa.
• Has a wife who is frequently depicted as a hussy
• Gets paid in cookies and other sweets and drinks milk (at that age you really should lay off the milk)
• Has literally pushed all kinds of products (including cigarettes and carbonated poison that can clean a penny in a matter of hours with no scrubbing)
• Makes children sit on his lap
• knows everyone’s name, but at the mall, they haven’t come up with a creative way of getting that name out. (What do you want for Christmas Little Boy whose name I know but do not wish to say because in reality I am not real?)
• Uses the word naughty when referring to children… (I know this one isn’t terrible, but c’mon – that word will most likely be completely negative (like the word smut) in about 50 years.)
• Begs for money and rings a little bell 
• Literally screams “ho, ho, ho” (Is he laughing?! WTF is that?  What causes him to “ho, ho, ho” all the time – esp before he says Merry Christmas)
• Didn’t accept Rudolph with his red nose before he found a purpose for him (Elitist bastard)
• Banishes misfit toys for being unsuitable (What lesson does that teach the kids?)
• Has a red nose frequently – even indoors (I’m sure that coke he’s doing isn’t extra fine – that’s all)

I’m sure when Coca-Cola made him into a US Sensation, they had no intention of making him this creepy.  Let’s hope the Coca Cola Polar Bears remain cute and endearing for years to come. 

JJRC

Woe to the future…

Lunch is pretty much my favorite part of the work day.  Not only do we get delicious food (or at the very least edible food), but we also get to speak to each other.  We get to know each other.  We were having a lunch discussion regarding our childhood experiences.  We discussed glo-worms, cartoons we would watch, games we would play, and then Natasha mentioned something rather odd.

N:  Has anyone seen the new My Little Pony type horse dolls? 

JJRC: Why no Natasha, we don’t quite know what you’re talking about.  What does it look like?

N: Prepare yourselves for this.  So, it’s sort of a horse.  It has a long flowing mane (so far pretty normal), but it’s wearing this crazy make-up (umm…), and it’s wearing some kind of high heel shoes (ah…?).  Here’s the worst part, this creature that looks like a horse has cleavage (WHAT!?)

When I was little kid and my sister was crazy for My Little Ponies, these things didn’t come equipped with breasts.  The only things feminine about them was their flowing hair and the color of their hide.  The stars and sparkles probably didn’t hurt.  I guess I should have been so shocked this centaur type woman/horse creature exists. The Bratz Babies are pretty much the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen.  As a society, we’re slowly training an army of young girls to become over-sexed sluts.

See video for an example of the Bratz Babies:

Yikes… I guess 21 is the new 50 – being a over sexualized baby is in.  Considering they can’t bathe themselves – they certainly know the most provocative way to dry themselves.  As the the theme song progresses, I became more and more disturbed.  After they danced around naked – they needed a computer to tell them what outfit was the sexiest… Once the computer is done teaching these little babies loose morals, the parents come out of nowhere.  Who needs parents when you’re hot! They are put into the car with their purses.  Here they call their friends because 1- these little freaks are privileged 2 – they have a lot to talk about.  I’m sure they discuss fantasticaly interesting things – like how often they crap themselves and what lip-gloss is the most “poppin’.”

They only reason this is on the air is because parents who don’t care let their kids watch this.  My parents would probably not have it.  They took issue with He-Man’s little pink vest and manly bob haircut, but that only had homoerotic undertones.  There is nothing subtle about the Bratz Babies.  I weep for the future.  

JJRC

The Westboro Baptist Church

I didn’t think I could agree with Fox News… but I do:

So, God bless the Bill of Rights!

In considering their ideology, they have offended the “word” of God.  As a young boy in Sunday School – what happened to that loving God who loved everyone?  Were those pictures of Jesus hugging random adorable children a lie? I hope not – those pictures were cute. According to this woman, people who are homosexuals and who died in 9/11 are evil… I find it hard to believe that all gays and all 2,974 died in 9/11 were all evil.  I’m sure some of those people weren’t fantastic people, but no one deserves to die like that – and some of the nicest people I’ve met are gay or closeted – I have my suspicions!

I haven’t picked up my bible since senior year of high school, but these people have inspired me to do some of my own research.  Of course the words, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” mean nothing… Of course the words, “Love your enemies and do good to them, and lend expecting nothing back.”  Technically, those people at Westboro should be hugging the crap out of “fags” and giving them money!  

That pretty lady from Fox News was getting at this – Leviticus 19:18 “Take no revenge and cherish no grudge against your fellow countrymen.  You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”  Go figure.  You know immediately following that it says “Do not put on a garment woven out of two different types of thread.”  I wonder if she adheres to that… Would she adhere to this?- Deuteronomy 25:11-12 – “When two men are fighting and the wife of one intervenes to save her husband from the blows of his opponents, if she stretches out her hand and seizes the latter by his private parts (aka his nads), you shall chop off her hand without pity.”  I can’t speak to what she would do, but man, can you imagine that kind of bar brawl?!

The things I have learned from my bible study (today) are the following.

-Love everyone – even “fags”.

-Lend money like there’s no tomorrow – and anticipate no return! This means I’m writing a letter to WBC right now asking them to pay off my school loans for free because I asked them to and God told them to lend me the money.

-Don’t be mixing your woven threads.  ”Is that a cotton blend?! You’re so going to hell.”

-My wife is never to grab at genitals while I am wrestling with another man.  That is the exact opposite of a happy ending.

-The bible is more relevant now than ever.

Thanks Mrs. Phelps-Roper for teaching me the way through your craziness!

JJRC

Indiana

Ahoy Ahoy. Currently, I am in the beautiful state of Indiana. It’s quite flat here. The only things to drink are pop, water and beer – and every restaurant allows you to drink like a fish. In all honesty, I have not had this much to drink since my days in college, and it really takes me back. It makes me realize that I am getting old, but I’m not that old. The following things have happened in Indiana;

1 – I have had amazing cajun food from this place called Yats… Indianapolis has great food. I could live in that restaurant and die there if someone let me. Amazing.

2 – I’ve started drinking at 2pm on Friday and finished drinking at 3am. It’s a permanent Slope Day out here. You can’t do anything sober – I think it’s illegal.

3 – With Indiana, I have puked in 4 States due to drinking too much – they are New York, Massachusetts, and New Jersey. Last night I was at a kegger (yea a fucking kegger) and drank myself blind. I don’t remember leaving the house we were at. I remember breathing heavy in the car (if you ever hear me do this, it’s honestly terrifying and a strong indicator that my stomach will evacuate in ten, nine…). I braced myself by a tree and bam.

4 – Macbooks are great. I have never known the pleasures of a laptop or an Apple computer. Now I know both! I bought a macbook last week and honestly -it’s an amazing thing. His name is Greg and he has been entertaining the shit out of me for the past couple of days before my host wakes up.

5 – Flight Attendants and Airport people think I’m under the age of 21. When they ask for my ID – they smirk and then their eyes open wide when they see 1984 as my birth year.

6 – Flash photography is discourage on planes – especially when the lights are off. I wasn’t aware the flash was on – and then everyone was aware the flash was on….

7 – I had a girl call me New York, and I would call her Indy. She was married and was very adamant that we are a Christian Nation and that God belongs in the pledge of allegiance – no questions about it…. none at all.

8 – I was expecting people to be drastically different – oddly enough – everyone is the same as back east – and they love their God.

9 – Finding out what you did the night before is incredibly painful.

10 – Cougars should be avoided.

JJRC

Sometimes I hate People

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t hate Americans.  America is the land that brought rise to a great wealth of opportunity (for most, but not all).  It is where my parents met.  It is where I grew up and went to school.  I am an American, but sometimes, don’t you just hate other people in America?  

Here is a short list of the things that are still floating around that piss me off.  A friend of mine once said that I was more likely to hate something than love it.   It’s me in a nutshell I suppose, but I enjoy things, and regularly someones runs over and ruins it for me.  Here are some examples:

1 – Borat:

This movie was hysterical.   I haven’t laughed harder at a movie since.  The theater was alive with participation the night we went to see it.  People climbed in and watched.  They then began to yell, and it all came to a nice quiet end and we left raving about the movie. 

Now, let’s flash forward 12 months later.  It is now 2007.  Why do I still hear the word “vagine” and other tired catchphrases?  People, please let it go.  There’s only so many times you can say, “Very nice – how much?” before it stops being remotely funny.  If you are still saying these things – you have most likely exceeded your “Very nice- how much?” limit.

2 – People on Reality Television:

At its conception, the Real World was an interesting show.  What do young people care about?  I mean, you basically watched people live their lives, and you realized they were boring – almost as boring as you.  But, then you realize you’re watching them be boring – how does that reflect on you?

Now, the Real World has not only spawned hundreds of other reality shows, but the Real World has reduced itself to a mindless fuck-fest.  The people are no longer average Joe’s, but ultra glamorized men and women who drink excessively and hook-up.  When I was in college, our lives didn’t resemble a massive shit-show that ended in someone getting kicked out of school.  Somehow, I think the Real World has lost touch with reality and should consider renaming itself the Shit-Show (Enter City name Here). 

While we’re at it – the city stopped mattering years ago.  They could be in the depths of hell, and honestly, it will most likely remain the same show.  As long as there’s a hot tub available, nothing will change.

3 “Back door!/Can you move into the center of the car, please?!”

Are these things a New York thing?  I hope posting them here doesn’t start a mass epidemic around the globe.  I doubt I’m that important, but you never know with this Internet stuff.  Back Door and it’s evil, uglier sister, Can you move…, are probably the worst phrases uttered in New York.  Let’s begin with “Back Door.”  If you’ve ever ridden the bus, you will notice these people that refuse to push the tape to open the doors.  Instead, these a-holes push on the window and scream as if they’re being assaulted by the doors.  “BACK DOOR!”  Then you have the peanut gallery chime in – “She wants that back door!”  Meanwhile – more level-headed people are sitting there thinking – “Push the fucking tape, bitch.”

“Can you move in please” is much worse.  In this case – you are stuffed between someone getting on and a larger hairier man.  The jerk is insisting he fits.  “There’s space in the center there.  Move in, please!”  Of course, I’ll move in when I learn to walk through people.  Honestly, give up.  Wait for the next train.  If it is obvious you won’t be making the train – get out and let us luckier people go ahead and be on time for work.  No, Dickhead insists on climbing in – smacking everyone with his brief case.  He becomes the most hated person in the general area.

Wonder what will be the next thing to randomly pop up and start pissing me off.  Maybe, I’ll  catch myself saying “BACK DOOR!!!” and will be filled with self-loathing.  Only time will tell.

JJRC

Moral Bankruptcy

This past Saturday, I sat around at home for most of the morning. In the afternoon I got a haircut.  I called my buddy from high school that I haven’t seen in a good long time.  He’s moving to the Bronx.  It was all well and good.  My other friend calls me and asks me if I’m going to so and so’s for dinner.  I wasn’t really planning on it, but I with some persuasion, I decide I will attend.
 
We had a quiet dinner.  Turkey loaf with veggie sides, salad and a glass or two of wine were being served.  After dinner we talk about random crap. What movie should we watch?  “Oh wait! let’s get ice cream.”  We got ice cream.  It was probably the last of my happy memories.
 
Upon return to the apartment, we discuss some more random things before choosing a movie. “Hey has anyone heard about that video that is considered unmentionable and disgusting?”  Umm, no – we had not.  “Well let’s watch some reaction videos on youtube.”  I guess we can…. “I’m so interested, but the video isn’t on youtube.” It’s not on youtube, that can’t be a good thing….  “Let’s google it.”  Ok…. “Two girls and one cup… I wonder…” 
 
We clicked on link and up came a site.  At first it looked like your run of the mill porn.  Some girl on unattractive girl action, but then BAM!!!!  It becomes vile.  I’ve never seen dogs do that – and dogs do some gross things.  The actions in this video are unspeakable.  If I could erase my brain, I would.
 
Check out this reaction.  I would make fun of the guy who runs off into the hallway gagging, but I can relate to him (I didn’t gag or anything – I was covering my eyes though).
 

 
 
I bet you’re curious now.  Well, here’s the link (www.2girls1cup.com)- but you will regret it.  Trust me.

 JJRC
 

Leave Britney Alone!!!

Britney Spears is the talk of the town these days.  The woman can’t go outside without being photographed.  The five second rule hasn’t applied to her for years – if she ever dropped food – someone would photograph her picking it up and eating it.  Anyone could easily claim it was on the floor for 6 seconds – making it disgusting.  My thought is if the woman wants to go barefoot into public restrooms – let her.  It’s not like the plantar’s warts she gets is your problem.  Only if their image makes them onto your TV.  It’s liable to happen TMZ is on TV these days – so watch out.

I was talking to a friend on Saturday night, and we discussed parasitic relationships (that is a different post). It applies here. This relationship the paparazzi has with her benefits both of them. She’s much like that fish thing that hangs out on sharks – or is it vice versa? The paparazzi love Britney Spears. Britney Spears loves them right back. It’s a match made in heaven. She would probably never leave her house if people weren’t watching her every move, and her Starbuck’s skim mochachino iced venti latte would probably taste like a Dunkin Donut’s Coolatta if people weren’t gawking at her and watching carefully. If she wanted to not be photographed – she would just act normal for Christ’s sake. Even Michael Jackson doesn’t photographed this much – and he’s actually weird… freakishly weird. Britney Spears is not weird – she just lacks some sense. People without sense run around smacking people with umbrellas… and if Britney Spears were weird – she would have been wearing some ridiculous outfit (perhaps a onesie). She’s just letting her fame get the best of her. Sadly, dealing with fame is not a course they teach in school – if they did she would fail… while Michael Jackson would be borderline with a D.

Ultimately – it’s all your fault we care about Britney Spears.  She’s everywhere because we want her to be.  If not – she’d fall into obscurity like… those people who I can’t recall because they’re so obscure.  God knows her music isn’t all that great.  Her voice isn’t terribly memorable.  She’s not the prettiest woman on earth.  In essence – she’s a good performer, but she’s seemed to have lost her touch.  Does knowing that she spends $700,000 a month on random garbage end wars or cure diseases?  No, it doesn’t.  It’s time to reassess our situation.  So please, leave Britney alone.  Let’s get real.

JJRC

The Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria

More than 400 years ago, Columbus was floating around in a massive ship praying that he hit land soon.  Sweating bullets, he was aware of the mutiny afoot on his ship.  He would keep two sets of logs.  One was an optimistic lie to soothe the fears of the crew.  Te second was a diary of the truth.  He feared running out of food and materials.  The cabins were full of angry and strong men who wanted to rip that pretty little bob right off his head. 

Columbus: “Hi everyone, umm… we’re nearing land soon and I wanted to offer cash to anyone who sees the Indies first!  Seriously, everyone start looking for land, and I’ll give you a prize.”

Crew: “umm… ok?”

Columbus offered his men money to seek the land he assumed would be India/China and coming up soon.  He was nearing desperation.  Then one morning – a cabin member came in.

Cabin Boy: “Hey Christopher – I saw some land this morning – we’re heading for it.”

Columbus: “Really?!  That’s super.”

Cabin Boy: “Yea…. umm so I win the money – right?”

Columbus: “Oh about that, funny thing is that I saw the land this morning… I was going to announce it later – but I guess I should have announced it immediately.  So, I’ll keep the money.”

Cabin Boy: “Ohhh… you douchebag“

Columbus: “What?”

Cabin Boy: “Ohm I was just clearing my throat. Ok I’m leaving.”

Oddly enough, they hit land – unscathed and without any rebellion on board.  The priests gets to the stern of the ship – tells the indigenous people they are now belongings of the Spanish Monarchy – and thanks them for their understanding and patience.  From this point on Columbus was pretty much bat-shit crazy.  His letter to the Monarchs of Spain involved a detailed description of the islands and the people.  The final page involves the fact that he’s found an island full of bald people… one full of Amazons… another loaded with Cannibals and then there’s one where people have tons of gold.  Somehow the natives told him all of this – without knowing a word of Spanish (amazing!).  Also, he wrote about being the new Marco Polo and that his finding a way to Asia will lead to a new crusade and the capturing of Jerusalem once again.

Seriously.

So, on that note, I am excited for this Columbus Day – because I have been enlightened.  Gone are the days when I colored ships and pretended the first meeting was an amazing event.  This one meeting set off a chain of events that moved people into a new era.  The way of life for the natives was deemed unacceptable.  The Spanish infused their world with Catholicism and Western Beliefs.  Today, we long to know the ways the natives constructed their cities and preformed their rites.  Columbus was lucky he didn’t get eaten by his crew.  He was lucky – like Hernan Cortez was lucky.  He was lucky – like Fransisco Pizarro was lucky.  His amount of luck equated to the amount of bad luck the natives had since that day in 1492.

 JJRC